


Bites of Vainglory

by Kuroyuki_Kokuyoku



Series: Sorry, Not Sorry [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: BAMF!Hedwig, Falco is head over hells for Hedwig, FoulMouthedWhenPissed!Hadrian, Hadrian can be a sadistic fuck, Hadrian can't bake to save his life, SassyHimedere!Hedwig, Sleeping Dragon of the Varia, beware the Frankenstein Cooking, blame Xanxus and Squalo for the bad influence, but he can bring his desserts to life as man-eating monsters, cuz she made the entire Cloud Division her bitches, everyone must worship her as Empress, just like how Colonello is towards Lal, why do I love torturing Levi here?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2018-12-30 07:42:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 9,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12103959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuroyuki_Kokuyoku/pseuds/Kuroyuki_Kokuyoku
Summary: Omakes from my main story, Acedia. This is where they all went.(10/30/17) IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT ON MY FANFICTION.NET PROFILE!!! I'm really sorry to have to do this to all of you...(5/25/18) My revamped version is up! Please come check it out!





	1. Alternate Scene to Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hmm... I wonder what other ways can I torture the nameless former Varia chef?

“You know… I wanted to make sandwiches today, but the Boss shot me down and demanded meat instead. Since I’m in a mood for frying something for tonight’s dinner, would you like an appetizer or two?” Hadrian asked, swiftly turning around to the person trying to sneak up behind him with a bucket of toilet water.

The former Varia chef stumbled in shock at being caught and sputtered in confusion for a while before finally reluctantly muttering a confirmation. He may hate the little bastard, but even he can’t deny that his cooking is to _die for_.

Nodding, Hadrian walked out of his kitchen and went to get the necessary ingredients. An hour later, the dainty-looking teen came back hefting a large carcass of a brown bear over his head with one arm and a plastic bag containing kaki seeds, mountain vegetables, and char in the other.

ʅ(°ヮ°)ʃ

Dinner that evening was excellent as always.

For some reason, the former chef was invited to eat with the Varia Officers and their Boss. It was Hadrian who personally extended the invitation to him. The man sneered at the naïve, little brat. Of course a prissy, little civilian girl would be dumb enough to think that you can make friends with a bunch of killers. Once he runs the girly bastard out of the Varia, the brat will thank him for it. As if a snot-nosed civilian whose balls haven’t dropped yet can survive in a den of hardened killers for very long.

Speaking of balls, he shifted in his seat uncomfortably. A few hours earlier, he had woken up from his riposo finding something amiss with his body. He couldn’t tell what it was until he went to the bathroom and was horrified to find out that he was missing something from his anatomy. Two somethings actually. Immediately panicking, he ran to all the way to Lussuria’s office and begged the flamboyant Sun Officer to fix him, only to be denied saying that unless he produced his still intact testicles from somewhere, he is unable to do anything. Even then, there’s no guarantee that they are still functional after reattachment, assuming he can find them in time.

His thoughts were interrupted when Hadrian placed a plate in front of him. He frowned when he saw that what he got looked more like hors d’oeuvres than an actual meal. It was just a bunch of fried balls of meat of varying sizes

Looking around the dining table, all of the Varia Officers have exquisitely delicious dishes. Xanxus had a ridiculously large slab of bear meat Hamburg steak. Squalo and Belphegor were both given char okakiage. Mammon had an entire plate of pineapple fried curry rice to themselves. And Lussuria, Levi, and Hadrian all ate the same thing, generous servings of fried bear meat. Even the brat’s stupid owl was enjoying small pieces of the delicacy as the little bastard shared his meal with the stupid animal!

The former chef angrily devoured the meager offering on his plate as he grumbled to himself how he should also have some of the bear as well. Little did he know, a pair of emerald green eyes was watching him carefully. The man also didn’t notice that the very teen he was privately cursing out hid a wicked smirk behind his napkin as he daintily wiped his mouth.

When all of the empty plates were cleared out by the Varia maids, Squalo yelled out from across the table, “Voi! What the hell did you serve that guy over there, shitty chef?! You didn’t even bother to say what he got.”

Hadrian looked at him innocently with doe eyes. “Oh, I didn’t? Well, if you must know… I gave him Rocky Mountain Oysters. There’re a delicacy over in the western parts of North America.”

Belphegor spittaked and choked on his water. As a prince, of course he would be knowledgeable with aspects of certain cultures. Hadrian may look pretty girly for someone biologically male, but he sure has a pair of _big, brass balls_ on him for serving that particular dish to a _man_. (Pun intended.)

Xanxus turned his attention to his Storm Officer and ordered, “Prince trash. Explain.”

The blond teenager allowed a wide grin cross his face. “Ushishishi. Typically, the meat comes from a specific part of bulls, goats, or sheep. To put it simply… they’re deep-fried testicles.”

Dead silence rang throughout the room. The now green-faced former Varia chef then stood up and bolted out of the room to vomit in the nearest bathroom.

All of a sudden, Lussuria fell out of his seat with an ashen face as it dawned onto him exactly what the dark-haired teen did to the man who just vacated the dining room.

“H-H-H-HARI-CHAN!!! YOU…!! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU…!!! THAT… IS THE SINGLE MOST… DISTURBING… SADISTIC… PUNISHMENT… YOU’VE JUST INFLICTED ON THAT POOR MAN!!!” The dyed-green haired man gasped out. His mood then suddenly changed to a deliriously happy one as he cried tears of joy. “Oh, Hari-chan~! Sorella is so proud of you~! I knew you had it in you to be a Varia Quality member~!” He squealed loudly as he ran up to embrace his petite friend.

“Ah…It was bound to happen sometime. He just happened to push me too many times… **So I pushed back tenfold**.” Hadrian said the last part menacingly with a serene smile.

“…Voi… that’s vicious.” Squalo breathed quietly.

“Muu… I will _pay you_ not to make him mad… At least at _us_.” Mammon replied. The rest of the Officers all voiced their agreement as they stared at their delicate-looking Cloud Officer in amazement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y’all can thank riannifitria from fanfiction.net for this little gem. This reviewer asked for an omake on what would happen if Hadrian had done something else to the poor bastard. ʕ*ᴥ*ʔ
> 
> Riposo: Basically, the Italian version of a siesta. During the hottest hours of the day, shops and churches would close down so that people can take a long lunch or catch a few Z’s.
> 
> Rocky Mountain Oysters: While the former chef was taking his nap, Hadrian snuck into his room and castrated him without him waking and then made his testicles into his dinner. Of course he didn’t want to be found out too soon so he added in the testicles of the bear carcass along with some bulls and sheep testicles. So did you like the fireworks that happened~?


	2. All Hail the Empress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What has Hedwig been up to while Hadrian's in his kitchen cooking? Let's find out...

One morning, Hadrian was wandering around the Varia Headquarters in search of his beloved owl. “Has anyone seen Hedwig? I can’t find her since breakfast.” He asked his fellow Officers.

The petite teen caught the thrown wine glass and refilled it for his Boss. “Don’t know. Don’t care. Go ask the shark trash.” Xanxus glared at him harshly in reply, annoyed that his Cloud came into his office and disturbing his nap.

Levi chimed in proudly. “I’ve been here all day with the Boss!” As usual, the Lightning Officer was standing by in case the man needed anything.

“Voi! How the hell should I know about your shitty bird? Go check with the shitty prince and midget.” Squalo yelled. The silver-haired swordsman had a thick stack of paperwork on his desk. Wasn’t his desk practically buried in paper yesterday? How long has he been at this?

“Ushishishi. The prince doesn’t know where the Empress is, but Mammy might.” Belphegor responded, pointing to the babyfied Mist beside him. Empress is something of a nickname for Hedwig among the Varia that got stuck after she put the fear of God on the Cloud Division.

“Muu. Pay me 5000 Euros.” Mammon demanded. Hadrian sighed and handed the required amount over. “Check with Lussuria.”

In the infirmary, Hadrian found his flamboyant friend treating one of his Clouds. The young Varia member had impressively deep claw marks on his arms and about his face. They look familiar. Very familiar. Did he happen to provoke Hedwig and received her talons as a result?

To his shock, the man prostrated himself in front of his Commander “My apologies, sir. I’ve upsetted the Empress. I made a mistake of bringing her pre-cooked bacon that I bought from a nearby meat shop. To my ignorance, I didn’t know that she prefers your cooking over anyone else’s.”

“ _Everyone_ prefers Hari-chan’s cooking over anyone else’s, dearie. Even the Boss. Though I doubt he’ll ever admit it.” Lussuria pointed out.

“…So where did you say you ran into Hedwig again?” The petite Cloud Officer asked his subordinate.

ʅ(°ヮ°)ʃ

Hadrian was rarely ever in his office. Most of the time, he can be found wandering around or in his kitchen, though the latter was more likely considering he’s in charge of the meals of every member of the Varia.

Inside the room was what could only be described as a veritable temple.

Where his chair and desk should be was a large, elaborate birdhouse that’s been designed to resemble a shrine. It was decorated with exotic flowers with the words “Empress Hedwig” inscribed in gold on the top. Inside the “shrine” is the owl in question, comfortably seated on a makeshift nest made with what Hadrian suspected to be strips of silk and mahogany twigs.

Surrounding the altar were half a dozen of his men. Two were fanning her with giant fans made of peacock feathers. One was kneeling with a ruby encrusted sterling silver water bowl. Another held up a tray of bacon in a reverent manner not unlike a worshipper offering up his sacrifice to a goddess.

“…Are you having fun, Hedwig?” Hadrian deadpanned.

His beloved owl barked in reply and puffed up her chest feathers as if she to say, “Damn right I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a while back I received a review from rozielrie of fanfiction.net on how they’d like to see Hedwig have her moment… Was the omake satisfactory? (￣ー￣)ゞ


	3. Revenge is a Dish Served Cold (or Extremely Hot)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are many unspoken rules in the Varia. Some are more important than others...

One day, the forbidden happened…

In the Varia, they have many unspoken rules…

  1. Never disturb the Boss when he’s eating or napping. If you’re lucky, he’ll just throw something at you otherwise you’ll get shot by his Wrath bullets. Repeatedly.
  2. If you’re stupid enough to try and give Squalo a haircut as a prank, then he has the right to give one to you. Lopping off your head is an improvement to your looks. His words exactly.
  3. Stealing from Mammon or trying to cheat him will cause you to become brain dead. No amount of Sun Flames can fix that.
  4. By all means, go ahead and pick a fight with Belphegor. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. There is a reason why he joined the Varia when he was eight.
  5. LGBTQ-phobia is not accepted. You’re welcome to argue with Lussuria on that one.
  6. Never insult the Boss. Just thinking it will get you electrocuted to ashes.



But there is this one rule that was added recently shortly after Cloud Officer Hadrian joined the Varia… **_NEVER EVER FUCK UP CAT S_** ** _ÌTH’S TERRITORY_ (AKA THE KITCHEN). *Should you ignore this, no one will not help you if there is another Fried Foods Incident. This is your first, last, and only warning.**

ʅ(°ヮ°)ʃ

It was a fall day on the thirtieth of November when the forbidden had happened.

Hadrian stood at the doorway to his kitchen. His small frame was as immobile as a statue while staring wide-eyed at the sight before him.

His stove was covered in burn marks and fire-extinguisher foam, his oven had a big chunk of charcoal resting in its confines, and his counters are completely covered in food stains. (That is whipped cream on the ceiling, right? …Oh, thank God, it is!) His precious spice rack was ransacked, and several of the glass bottles were completely shattered, their contents spilling out onto the floor. (Do they have any idea how much saffron costs nowadays?!) Some of the hinges on the cabinet doors were broken from being forcibly opened in the haste to get to the utensils.

And right in the middle of all the chaotic mess… were the culprits themselves.

“Uh… we can explain?” Squalo said sheepishly to the personal chef as Levi screamed in the background at the flaming grill (NOOOO!!! THE BOSS’ STEAKS!!!).

Mammon took the opportunity to chime in. “I will give you 50 Euros if you turn around and forget what you just saw for…” They paused and turned to the Sun Officer putting out the flames with a fire extinguisher. “How long do you think we need, Lussuria?”

“6 hours?” The flamboyant man responded with an unsure tone, wincing as he observed the mess he and his fellow Officers made in the petite Cloud’s kitchen.

However, Hadrian didn’t reply. He didn’t even so much as twitch a finger. Everyone wondered if the dark-haired teen was too deep in shock at the state of the kitchen to even register their presence.

“Ushishishi. The prince will take his leave now.” Belphegor announced quietly as he carefully made his way around the other teen’s immobile form and out the door.

Seeing that the young Storm Officer wasn’t gutted alive, they all took the opportunity to escape while Hadrian was still out of it. Hopefully, they can get a decent head start before their little wildcat comes at them with all the fury of a provoked, temperamental Cloud.

ʅ(°ヮ°)ʃ

When evening finally came and none of them seen Hadrian prowling around looking to tear their throats out, they all breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps it’s because they were all Xanxus’ Guardians that their newest Officer decided to let things slide for once. Otherwise the teen would have them begging for his forgiveness on their hands and knees by now. After all, their little wildcat had made people regret their very existence for less.

Dinner that night was simply curry buns. Nobody dared to complain out of accidently triggering the disturbingly calm Cloud Officer into a Cloud Rage. So they all just sat down in their seats and ate quietly. However, there was a problem…

While Xanxus and Hadrian are enjoying their respective curry buns just fine, but theirs, on the other hand, were completely _drenched_ in his Cloud Flames, which heavily enhanced the capsaicin concentration in the chili peppers used in the curry. Within the first bite, everyone was at the Cloud Officer’s mercy.

Levi had fainted and collapsed onto the floor. His tear covered eyes had rolled into the back of his hand, and he was foaming at the mouth while his body twitched like crazy.

Squalo was swearing at the top of his lungs in every single language he knew (apparently he knows 10) as he wildly waved his sword around. His face was so red that it resembled one of the tomatoes Hadrian usually uses in his meals. His pale complexion and silver-white hair only served to make the redness more obvious.

Belphegor took to one corner of the room, repeatedly pounding his head into the walls as he loudly begged someone to dump a bucket of water on his head to put out the imaginary fire burning his head off.

Lussuria was curled up in a fetal position underneath the table crying waterfalls of tears. An impressively sizable puddle formed under him as he rocked back and forth talking to himself in between sobs and sniffles.

Mammon was face down on their plate, having passed out earlier from the taste. The Arcobaleno’s infantile body couldn’t handle the spiciness and basically gave out on the spot. The only reason the others even know that Hadrian didn’t kill the tiny Mist Officer was because an occasional gurgle of misery can be heard coming from them.

“Oh my~. Are they _too mild_ for your tastes~? I guess I should’ve added Carolina Reapers to kill the _blandness~_.” The green-eyed Officer singsonged innocently with a honey-sweet smile on his face.

Xanxus looked at the petite teen and simply cocked an eyebrow. He then shrugged and continued eating as he watched the results of his Cloud’s twisted revenge on his other Guardians. The food tonight may not be as impressive as his previous meals, but the entertainment more than made up for it.

“FUCK YOU, YOU SHITTY CAT!!!” Squalo screamed at Hadrian angrily and bolted out the doors, unable to take the heat any longer as he quickly sprinted towards the kitchen.

Apparently, this was enough to snap all of them out of their respective states and followed after the Rain Officer. Once they caught up to the swordsman, they fought the rest of the way as they scrambled to be first one to their destination. Not caring that they were pretty much invading the Cloud Officer’s territory for the second time today, they crashed through the doors and then ran for the refrigerator.

But when they finally yanked it open, there was nothing inside. There wasn’t even so much as _ice_ in the fucking freezer section!

Right when they felt soul-crushing disappointment enveloping them, Hadrian sauntered in behind them, carrying something in his hand that made hope blossom in their chests. “Ah. That’s right~. I forgot Mammon’s _strawberry milk_. Sorry, it’s the _last one_. Enjoy~.”

Very, very slowly. The teen _ever so gently_ placed the twelve-ounce container of ambrosia on the counter with a tiny clink and slid it towards their direction. Their eyes followed it as the glass bottle stopped directly. In. Front. OF. THEM.

Being the nearest, Levi was the first to react and immediately lunged, taking the bottle in his fist. However, he was then tackled to the ground and beaten up by the others into unconsciousness, forcing him to let go of the precious twelve-ounce liquid.

Somehow amidst the commotion, Mammon was able to get his tiny hands on the bottle and levitated himself up to top of the large refrigerator and out of the others’ reaches.

“Ushishishi. That bottle belongs to the prince.” Belphegor said, taking out his knives and holding them towards the Mist threateningly just a few feet from his reach.

“VOI! GIVE THAT TO ME RIGHT NOW, YOU SHITTY MIDGET!!!” Squalo demanded as he continuously stamping his boot repeatedly on the back of the motionless Lightning Officer under him.

“Please! I’m begging you. Just one sip! That’s all I ask!” Lussuria begged dramatically, prostrating himself at the foot of the refrigerator.

“Give me 100 bottles of these and then I’ll hand it over.” Mammon growled out, refusing to budge as they held the bottle close to their small body possessively.

As Hadrian watched on with a satisfied smile on his face, he sensed the familiar feel of Wrath Flames casually approaching from behind.

“Kitten, you’re getting soft.” Xanxus commented, finishing off the last of his curry buns.

Hadrian chuckled wickedly. “I’m only going easy on them because they’re my friends… and I appreciate their efforts in trying to do something for my birthday. I hope they’ve learned their lesson today because I’m not going to hold back next time. Marauder’s promise.” The petite Cloud said with a dark gleam in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before there is any confusion… Harry Potter’s birthday is July 31st, but Hadrian Temperanza’s birthday is November 30th. The Varia Officers wanted to do something special for their personal chef but… they fucked it all up. But at least it’s the thought that counts. And Xanxus is in the background going “Shit is going down… but I could care less cuz I’m eating good shit.” 
> 
> Carolina Reaper: In 2013, the Guinness World Records dubbed the hottest chili pepper in the world, only to be surpassed by the “Dragon’s Breath” as of May 2017. On the Scoville scale, it measures 1,569,300 SHU on average. Just for comparison, habanero chili peppers only rate a measly 100,000-350,000 on the Scoville scale. Let’s just say that Hadrian was feeling pretty merciful that particular day otherwise this would’ve made their tongues melted if he added them into the curry. ↜(╰ •ω•)╯ψ


	4. The Sleeping Beauty (More Like The Sleeping Dragon)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hogwarts has a saying... "Never tickle a sleeping dragon." This applies to Hadrian perfectly well when he's taking his usual catnap. (ʘ言ʘ╬)

_Unspoken Varia Rule #36: If you happen to find Cat Sìth asleep in a strange location… do not wake him up. He may not show it, but he has a temper that’s scarier than the Boss’. You have been warned._

Hadrian Temperanza, aka Cat Sìth, loved to take naps.

Whenever he could, the dark-haired teen would take a riposo or two at random times during the day. His years during the Dursley household has set his internal clock to force him to become awake at exactly four in the morning, and combined with his late-night antics during his time at Hogwarts, his habits has made him a bit of a night owl. It’s common knowledge around the Varia that the teen is more active after sunset but less energetic after sunrise. While not on missions or on an errand, the teen would sleep away the daylight hours in between mealtimes and his responsibilities.

However, in typical Mafia eccentricity, the petite Cloud Officer has developed a habit of picking the most unusual of spots to snooze away. Inside an industrial washing machine in need of repair, tucked in a corner of one of the chef’s walk-in food storage facilities, on top of the rooftops during one misty evening. No one knows exactly why Hadrian never uses his bedroom to sleep.

Squalo once found the Varia chef peacefully asleep underneath his bed. Another time, Lussuria had cooed over Hadrian while his friend was inside the man’s walk-in closet in a make-shift nest made of his boas. Belphegor even paid Mammon for blackmail pictures of their residential wildcat taking his afternoon catnap in the babyfied infobroker’s adult-sized bathtub.

But there was one memorable occasion where an ignorant Varia member stumbled upon the teen while he was catching up on his sleep underneath Xanxus’ office desk shortly after breakfast. Mistaking the Cloud Officer for a lazy recruit, the poor individual proceeded to try and wake up the petite chef.

“What the hell?! Are you fucking sleeping in the Boss’ office? Hey! Wake the fuck up already! Do you have a death wish or something? Come on! Now’s not the time to take a fucking nap!” The person shouted as they obnoxiously got close to Hadrian’s ear to scream as loudly as possible.

Disturbed from his precious naptime, the emerald-eyed Cloud snapped his eyes opened and slowly got up from under the desk. Turning his head, he glared at the interloper in a way that would’ve made Xanxus proud.

“…Is the world ending?” The irritated Cloud said lowly.

“…Uh, no?” The Varia member replied with confusion.

“Did the Boss assign me an important mission that needs to be done?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Are you starving at least?”

“No, I just ate. Lunch wasn’t even a half-hour ago.”

Hadrian closed his eyes and slowly took a deep breath before finally exhaling. “…Is that so?” He then turned to the unfortunate bastard and said with a small smile, “Can I ask you something? How do you like your eggs? Boiled, scrambled, or sunny-side up?”

ʅ(°ヮ°)ʃ

When Levi had opened the door to what he had thought was supposed to be an empty room, the man immediately slammed it shut as he desperately wished for some bleach to wash his brain and eyes out after what he just saw.

“Muu. I see you’ve stumbled upon Cat Sìth’s handiwork.” Mammon commented as they and Belphegor passed by.

“Ushishishishi. Is it really as bad as it sounds in there?” The Storm Officer asked upon seeing the expression on Levi’s face.

The three can still make out the muffled theme song of “Boku no Pico” coming from behind the door. Of course the sounds coming from inside the room were much quieter as their little wildcat’s latest victim stopped screaming for mercy after several hours. Not surprising as being forced to see the disturbing show on an endless loop can make someone brain-dead after all.

“…There are no words to describe the horrors that I’ve just witnessed.” The Lightning Guardian whispered.

At that, Mammon decided to chime in. “I have, in my possession, a shipment of holy water straight from the Catholic Church. I can sell it to you for 50,000 Euros per pint.”

Without hesitating, Levi quickly whipped out his checkbook and wrote out a large number to the tiny Mist. “Give me 10 Gallons! I need to _bathe_ just to feel clean again!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to establish Hadrian having an obvious cat-like quirk so his characterization doesn’t seem to “dull.” That… and I wanted to add another BAMF!Hadrian moment as well. Hoped you guys liked it~!


	5. Poison Scorpion vs. Cat Sìth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What would happen if Bianchi tries to invade Hadrian's territory? Let's just say that it's a good thing that he has a soft spot for Tsuna otherwise... (;´Д｀)

When Tsuna and his friends finally came out of his room and went downstairs to the living room, none of them thought they’d come across something as strange as this. Although in hindsight, they should’ve expected something weirder to happen that typically follows along the usual Vongola chaos their lives seem to follow.

Tsuna blinked once. Then twice. Then he took a deep breath and asked, “Hayato-kun, why is your sister hogtied in the middle of the living room with an apple in her mouth?”

The silver-haired Storm winced and admitted, “Hadrian-san is in the kitchen with Mama right now. I think Ane-san went in and tried to join and…well… He must have taken offense to her turning everything she touches into poison.” Gokudera trailed off.

At least Hadrian was considerate enough not to kill his older sister. The older teen is territorial enough to give Hibari a run for his money. Considering this is the work of a Varia Quality member, they’d imagine that the Cloud’s punishment is pretty tame.

Bianchi was tied up like a literal piece of meat with what Tsuna thinks is butcher’s twine. The way she was laid out was meant to be as humiliating as Hadrian could make it. And judging from the look of embarrassment on her face and the frustrated sounds she was making from failing to escape, it was working very effectively.

“Hey, Reborn, is it really okay for Hari-san to put her in a time-out like this? No offense to Gokudera and Bianchi, but it kinda looks… almost erotic if you ask me.” Yamamoto said hesitantly with a slight blush.

The way she is positioned and trussed up like a literal piece of meat made the pink-haired woman look like something out of a bondage porno. Even the apple in her mouth was starting to resemble a ball gag to him.

Reborn simply sipped his coffee-cup and looked at all of them in the eye before replying seriously, “Hadrian is a kitchen god equal only to Mama’s level. His espresso owns my soul.”

In other words, Hadrian gave the Sun Arcobaleno some good-shit coffee just to look the other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll be honest here… I had completely forgotten about Bianchi and her Poison Cooking. I knew off the bat that Hadrian and Nana would get along pretty well, but I had no idea what sort of relationship Bianchi and Hadrian would have. So I went for the “Hadrian being a typical Cloud in his territory” route, only he’s more lenient towards her because Bianchi’s considered a part of the Sawada household. I would like to thank Celesta Sunstar and rianifitria of fanfiction.net for the reminder. This is the results I came up with. I hope you guys enjoyed this omake because here’s another~


	6. God Save the Empress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ   
> (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ (シ_ _)シ   
>  (シ_ _)シ   
>  *insert dancing white hawk here*

When Tsuna finally arrived to witness the Cloud Ring Battle, he was not expecting to see _this_.

Xanxus and all of his Guardians were there as well as Cat Sìth’s “substitute,” Gola Mosca. However, perched on top of the Boss of the Varia’s elaborate chair (*cough* throne *cough*) was a large beautiful owl with snow white feathers. The elegant owl looked very dignified as though it deserved to have its own pedestal complete with an elaborate cushion.

But what’s odd are the dozens upon dozens of the fluffy yellow birds prostrating in front of Xanxus in neat little rows and bowing with their wings spread out repeatedly in unison like they were all worshipping a pagan god. Leading the act of reverence at the very front were two familiar-looking avians. One was a similar looking yellow ball of feathers who chirped out, “Empress,” with every bow and the other is a love-struck white hawk who was performing some sort of dance in hopes of impressing the object of his affection while the other birds were bowing.

“W-What is going on here? And… IS THAT HIBIRD AND FALCO IN THE FRONT?!” Tsuna stuttered at the sight.

“Ask the kitten.” Xanxus replied gruffly, pointing to his Cloud Guardian with a jerk of his thumb.

Cat Sìth merely shrugged in reply. “…Don’t look at me. I’m not the one who converted these birds to the cult of Hedwig.”

Said owl simply gave them all a haughty look then snapped her bill up snootily as if to sassily respond to the staring group, “I didn’t ask to be queen… but~ if the crown fits~...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write out their reactions to the Almighty Empress of the Varia. After all, every queen deserves to have subjects to rule over~ Her devoted servants back at the Varia Cloud Division doesn’t count. Shout-out to rozielrie of fanfiction.net for their contribution in creating this! I can’t thank you enough for your help~!


	7. Inside Joke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspection time~! Everyone prepare for no mercy! |▼皿▼)b

He is one of the CEDEF’s many spies. In order to keep abreast of everything that is happening in the Mafia World, the CEDEF sends out many of their over eight-hundred members to slip into various Famiglias and report back to their Boss. His current mission is to gather information about the Varia’s activities. Due to how the recently-freed Xanxus is so “volatile” by nature, their CEDEF Boss, Iemitsu, ordered his people to infiltrate the organization in order to record every action of the Varia so they won’t be caught off-guard when the Varia Boss finally betrays the Vongola.

For a while the Varia was strangely quiet… until the CEDEF received news about their newest Cloud Officer as well as another well-known figure in the elite assassination squad…a mysterious female operative only known by the codename “Empress.”

According to the rumors, Empress is responsible for the locating any and all spies within the Varia. Ever since she’s been an active member, practically all inside men with the Varia HQ were systematically hunted down. If they were lucky, then they’ll be killed off on the spot. If not…

Apparently the last man’s corpse was found several months later with his fattened liver stuffed down his throat. Death by foie gras was not a pretty way to go.

Right now, the CEDEF spy had been going undercover as one of the new Varia rookies for less than a week, and his targets still hasn’t made an appearance just yet. He has already seen all of the other Varia Division Commanders but not the Cloud Officer himself. Hell, even the Boss of the Varia showed up to one of his training routines, and he had his personal chef trailing behind him to replace his wine glasses every time he threw them at the slower recruits!

“Hey, did you hear?! The Empress sent someone to the infirmary again!” One of the Varia newcomers eagerly gossiped one day.

“What is it this time? Another rat made it in the Varia somehow? A rookie insulted her? Someone badmouthing the Commanders?” The person replied with a long-suffering smirk.

“Nah, wrong bacon. The stupid idiot had the gall to get her one of those pre-packaged ones.” Another recruit chimed in.

“Hah! Serves that moron right!” The Varia greenhorn next to him crowed as everyone chuckled.

However, one of the rookies had a confused look on his face and added, “Really? I heard that the Commander of the Cloud Division is conducting an inspection today.”

There was a pregnant pause between all of them for several seconds until someone finally voiced out their terror. “MOTHER OF GOD!! SERIOUSLY?!”

“Relax. It’s only to weed out the traitors and spies. Apparently, the Boss is getting sick and tired of all the rats getting past the interview and background checks so he ordered Commander Cat Sìth to have the Empress test them all.” An older rookie reassured the group.

“Wait, I don’t get it. How does-? …Oh… Ooooh! Now I get it! Yeah, I can see why now.” A younger newcomer asked in confusion before apparently realizing the answer to his question.

“Exactly! So no worries here!” The Varia rookie next to him said confidently.

However, their discussion was cut short by the pounding of running boots as a few of the greenhorns burst through the door with matching panicking expressions.

“GUYS!! THE EMPRESS IS COMING!! EVERYONE GET IN FORMATION!!!” One of them screamed out.

The CEDEF spy had only blinked once before everything descended into chaos, leaving him merely standing where he is as he took in all the new Varia members acting like decapitated chickens.

People began panicking and screaming while trying to get everything and everyone in order. Uniforms were straightened out in record time and hairstyles were being fussed over left and right. Even that one rookie who was well-known to be quite a slob among them was frantically running around cleaning like crazy as though he were a germaphobe.

All of a sudden, the door immediately swung open and everyone stopped what they were doing and made two neat military rows as they saluted. Realizing that he was the only one out of formation, he scurried away and took his place at an empty space between two other recruits just as a figure finally stepped into the room.

The CEDEF spy immediately recognized the person as the Varia Officer’s personal chef, whom he’d always saw in the company of one of the Division Commanders carrying some sort of food or snack they had requested. This time, however, the petite cook was alone, save for the snowy owl perched on top of his head. Could it be? This chef is actually Empress?

As the young teen slowly walked among the rows of Varia rookies inspecting the paperwork of each individual on his clipboard, the owl stared at each and every one of them threateningly with its sharp amber gaze.

Oddly enough, the recruits all began to sweat the moment the owl fixed its scrutinizing look on them. They’d only relaxed once the bird finally moved its glare onto another victim, though occasionally the snowy owl would let out a bark, causing the teen to briefly stop in front of one of the many Varia greenhorns and allow his owl to slap its wing over the back of the recruit’s head as it gave them a reproachful look. Said person would then sheepishly realized whatever imperfection they missed like forgetting to brush their hair, a wrinkle in their uniform, or not having their weapons on hand.

This continued on for quite some time until the teen finally sauntered up to him and the owl let out a harsh hiss at him and spread its wings at him threateningly, making the teenaged Varia chef turn his attention towards him.

“Ah …So it’s the CEDEF this time…” The chef casually commented as he fixed the man with a blank stare as both the teen and his bird stared the man down with matching dark expressions. This caused the spy to gulp nervously and tremble uncontrollably as he felt his impending doom slowly approach.

The people all around him actually gave him pitying looks. The person just across from him even clasped his hands together in prayer and said, “We are all gathered here to celebrate the life of our comrade. He may not have been the smartest of men, but he was still-”

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!! HE’S NOT EVEN DEAD YET AND THEY’RE ALREADY DELIVERING HIS EULOGY?!!

ʅ(°ヮ°)ʃ

Squalo slammed open the doors to Xanxus’ office and loudly complained, “VOI, SHITTY BOSS!! We’ve got another CEDEF rat in the infirmary again!”

The dark-haired man let out an amused snort as he downed another shot of his vodka. “What did the kitten do to the poor trash this time?”

“It’s another ‘Sleeping Beauty.’ Seriously! Where the fuck does the shitty cat get his hands on all that pufferfish?” The silver-haired Rain commented.

“Instead of worrying where he gets it from, be more concerned about the deadly nightshade Kitten’s been lacing the prisoner’s food. Word of advice… if you’re going to order seafood for dinner tonight, don’t get the fugu à la belladonna.” Xanxus replied to his second-in-command with a knowing look.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This omake couldn’t be possible without rozielrie from fanfiction.net. You guys sure like BAMF!Hedwig moments. Not that I blame you.
> 
> Sleeping Beauty: Hadrian knows that if the spy is a member of the CEDEF, then he can’t get rid of the spy in the usual Varia manner since they’re technically in the same Famiglia. Doing so would immediately cause a civil war within the Vongola between the Varia and the CEDEF, which is what they all want to avoid. So he just poisoned them so they’d still be alive, only in a temporary death-like state. The right nonlethal dose of atropa belladonna disrupts the parasympathetic nervous system’s ability of regulate involuntary activities (breathing, sweating, heart-rate, etc.). Since the spies were forced to eat the poison-laced fugu, the Varia can claim that their spies had a bad reaction to the delicacy they served to them and simply sweep the matter under the rug.


	8. If Things Were Canon-Compliant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This all started out with me wondering what would happen if Hadrian participated in the canon!Ring Battles... I think I've been watching too many videos of Gordon Ramsay~ (／．＼）

“Xanxus di Vongola…when this is all over, forget the fucking vegan diet plan…You’re eating shitty rice porridge for every meal from now on!” Hadrian growled out in annoyance as he stomped determinately up to the tower and proceeded to tear at the metal poles apart like tissue paper with his bare hands. Bugger those Cervello bints! Bugger this shitty Sky Battle! AND BUGGER XANXUS, THAT PMSING TOSSER IN FIFTY DIFFERENT POSITIONS!!!

He can tolerate his friends risking their lives over a piece of pretty metal, but what he can’t stand is everyone being lethally poisoned over a stupid family squabble!! Is he or is he not a fucking Cloud Guardian!? He didn’t get the motherfucking codename Cat Sìth simply because he’s harmless as a goddamn kitten!

“Wao…” The petite Varia Officer heard before the last of the poles were quickly demolished at the hands of his Namimori counterpart. As the structure toppled to the ground, the Vongola Cloud Ring fell to the ground and rolled at the feet of Hadrian, who immediately picked it up. Still grumbling obscenities, the teen walked over to the still poisoned Cloud Guardian. Before Hibari can even react, his wrist was snatched up and the Cloud Ring was pushed into the slot on the wristband, releasing the antidote to the poison.

This made Hibari very annoyed because he now owed the Cloud Officer a debt for this. He’ll have to fight his counterpart on a later date after the Vongola Ring Battles are resolved.

Catching onto the Namimori Disciplinary Committee leader’s general thoughts, he simply pressed the Cloud Ring into the boy’s hand for answer. “If you watch over Tsuna-kun for me, I’ll consider it even between us. However, I’m not in a fucking mood for any more of this bullshit so go slate your bloodlust with the Cervello bitches for messing up your goddamn territory. I need to find Sorella and the rest of the cocksuckers before they do something stupid.”

“Herbivore, don’t you need to take the antidote first?” Hibari pointed out just as the Cloud Officer was about to leave.

The green-eyed teen stopped in his tracks. “…Ah… Jesus fucking Christ, I can’t believe I fucking forgot! I was wondering why I’m being as pissy as a slut after a bad fuck.” Hadrian said with slow realization. “…Actually… Give me a second. I want to cuss my bastard of a Boss out first while I’m still under the influence.” The Varia Cloud replied as he held up the camera-equipped wristband up to his face.

ʅ(°ヮ°)ʃ

Xanxus fired a barrage of Wrath Flame bullets at Tsuna, which the boy dodged. The brunet then launched himself at the man aiming a punch in the gut only for the Varia Boss to sidestep and kick the teen away from him, sending the boy hurling through the wall of one of the school’s building. The dark-haired man was just about to fire another wave of bullets again until they were interrupted by a ferocious roar of rage.

“XANXUS!!!!!!!!! YOU GODDAMN DOUCHEBAG!!!!” Cat Sìth’s furious yell echoed throughout the entire school as the large screen display was quickly cut to the Varia Cloud’s angry features. Both Decimo candidates temporary halted their battle and watched the large monitor in bewilderment.

Cat Sìth took a deep breath and all his previous bloodthirsty ire seemed to disappear. “Medium, rare, or well-done, Boss~? You know, for your A5 Japanese beef roti rice bowl for dinner tomorrow~.” The petite Cloud Officer asked with a sweet smile. If this was an anime, the teen’s head would be surrounded by a cheery, golden background with flowers winking around his head.

However, Xanxus wasn’t fooled. He could tell that there was homicidal intent coming from his Cloud’s smile. So rather than dig himself any deeper, he hesitantly replied, “…Rare?”

“ **7 fucking days, you bloody piece of shit. I’m going to have you by the bollocks once we’re finally done with all this assfuckery.** ” Cat Sìth growled out while still smiling cheerfully. Then his Cloud gave him the finger as the feed was abruptly cut.

For several minutes, a pregnant pause stretched out between the two Decimo candidates as everyone anticipated The Varia Boss’ reaction to the Cloudy-Sky teen’s declaration. Even though on the outside the man still looked as intimidating as ever, Xanxus actually felt himself whimper a little on the inside.

“Did Hari-san…really just… swear at _you_?” Tsuna asked the Varia Boss in confusion, finally breaking the dead silence.

“What the fucking hell did you bitches just give to the kitten? I thought he never swears until now.” The red-eyed man barked at the skittish Cervello women who couldn’t come up with a good explanation.

“Um, actually, Hari-san did mention that long term exposure to you and Squalo made him pick up a few things. He only tends to…uh…be like that when he’s feeling a little…irritated.” The brunet teen shrugged helplessly.

“Hn. Makes sense.” Xanxus said before resuming his attack on Tsuna and continuing their Sky Battle. Mental note: Beg the shitty cat for his forgiveness once he’s clean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve written out this scene a long time ago, but never got the chance to use it until now~ I’m totally going to make it a thing that Hadrian can swear enough to make the likes of Xanxus and Squalo blush when he’s really mad.
> 
> Hadrian and the Death Heater Poison: Remember his Second Year… yeah, my headcanon is that after the whole Basilisk venom and Phoenix tears incident, Hadrian’s body has a pretty powerful immune system from then on. So a strong poison that is said to be able to cripple an elephant might not kill him, but it’ll make him annoyed as fuck (hence all the profanity he’s using while on the stuff). Plus considering canon!Hibari has proven that a strong enough person (or at least someone with a superhumanly stubborn personality) can overcome its painful symptoms, it shouldn’t be a problem for Hadrian to also overcome it with his pain tolerance. Especially when you consider that having corrosive Basilisk venom running through your bloodstream before Phoenix tears was administered hurts like fucking hell.


	9. Xanxus' Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, Xanxus~ Hoped you enjoyed your store-bought birthday cake because Hadrian's desserts are to DIE for~ (੭ˊ͈ ꒵ˋ͈)੭̸*✧⁺˚

“Yeah, hell no. I can’t bake to save my life. Even Poison Cooking is more appetizing than my desserts.” Hadrian replied bluntly to Xanxus’ newest demand, only to receive another wineglass thrown at his face, which he deftly caught.

The red-eyed man blinked. “You can cook a 5-star banquet in your sleep, but you can’t bake a simple cake?”

The Cloudy-Sky winced. “Trust me. I tried. Somehow every dessert item I make comes out… um… all wrong, to put it mildly. Go check with the others if you don’t believe me. I had them try and help me out earlier. Even then, a freaking cookie coming out of my oven is more likely to kill you than cyanide.”

(Several Hours Ago)

“Hari-chan, that’s salt. The sugar is right here.” Lussuria said as he daintily removed the ingredient from Hadrian’s hand and replaced it with the correct one.

“The prince demands you put on your glasses. Look carefully, that’s paprika, not cocoa powder.” Belphegor pointed out the label on the brown substance.

Levi stared down at the egg carton in amazement. “What the…? Did something happen to the eggs? You just bought them fresh off the market this morning! Why are all of them hatching into chicks?!”

Squalo lunged and snatched the packet out of Hadrian’s hold while yelling, “STOP! STOP! Is your prescription off or something?! VOI!!!! You almost mixed up the fucking flour for cement mixture! Speaking of which, where the hell did the shitty thing come from?! I swear it wasn’t even in the kitchen in the first place!!”

“Wire me 10,000 Euros to my account after this. If I hadn’t stopped you from spreading that, it would’ve been covered by mayonnaise instead of cream cheese frosting. By the way… HOW DID YOU CREATE FREAKING MAYONNAISE FROM JUST BUTTER, SUGAR, CREAM CHEESE, AND VANILLA!?! IT’S EVEN RADIOACTIVE FOR SOME REASON!!!” Mammon hollered at the absurdity of the situation.

This continued on for some time, but in the end, it took Hadrian three more tries before he finally created something that barely resembled a cake. Even for Vongola’s standards this is ridiculous. At that point, everyone wondered if the teen has tertiary Mist Flames or something that no one had known about. That would explain why things kept going horribly wrong at every step.

Hadrian, for some reason, offhandedly mumbled something about “Potter Luck” and just left it at that.

(Later on)

“What the fuck… is that shit?” Squalo said as he stared at…whatever that thing was on the counter.

“Someone’s melted wax sculpture?” Belphegor offered his two bits.

“I thought it looked like an ice cream sundae that’s been left out in the sun for months.” Lussuria commented.

“Muu, it may look horrible, but the question is… is it at least edible?” Mammon pointed out.

Hadrian was quick to get behind their Lightning Officer and pushed him towards his creation. “Levi, I volunteer you as tribute.”

“What?! Why me!? You made it, so you try it!!” Levi loudly complained.

The teen put on a thoughtful look and pretended to think. “Hmmmm? I thought you wanted to be useful to Xanxus. I guess I was wrong about your devotion. Since taste-testing the Boss’ food is above you, I suppose I have to do for him myself. After all, if it’s safe to eat, then Xanxus will eventually eat the same food that I’ve tried. In a way that means _I’ll_ be the one who’s closest to the Boss, not _you_. If~. You~. Know~. What~. I~. Mean~.” The petite Cloud purred suggestively.

To everyone’s amazement, the Lightning fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. “I’LL DO IT!!! I’LL TASTE THE UGLY BLOB FOR THE BOSS!!” Levi declared with a mighty roar. After materializing a knife and fork out of nowhere, the man then jumped headfirst into the sorry excuse for a dessert and began attacking the “cake” with the ferocity of a rabid dog.

Meanwhile everyone looked at Levi with a look that’s akin to pity. The Sun Officer took the opportunity and turned to his friend to quietly admonish him, “I won’t lie, Hari-chan. I feel a bit sorry for Levi a bit right there. That was pretty cruel of you to manipulate him like that.”

Suddenly, the Lightning let out an unmanly shriek of terror as Hadrian’s “cake” let out an animalistic sound and the man was suddenly engulfed by the thing. His fellow Officers watched in horror as Levi struggled to fight off the Cronenberg cake monstrosity as it tried to eat him alive. From the love of all that is holy, the “cake” was even devouring the Officer’s Lightning Flames.

Needless to say, this made the flamboyant man instantly change his attitude. “Never mind, I take it all back~! I’m so glad to not be in his position right now~!”

(Current Time)

“…Are you seriously fucking with me?” Xanxus said incredulously.

“Don’t ask what happened to it afterwards. I think it scurried off somewhere after traumatizing Levi enough to give him saccharophobia (fear of sugar). And do I even look like someone who would _fuck_ with you?” Hadrian deadpanned to him with a dead-serious expression.

“…”

“…”

“Just get me something from Pasticceria Marchesi then.” The Varia Boss ordered his chef.

“Got it, Boss.” The Cloudy-Sky drawled as he exited the office.

Little did Hadrian knew, his “cake” had spawned “cupcake” versions of itself towards the end of its expiration date. Mammon ended up being the one to find the “babies” and sold them to Verde as a new species for a hefty amount of cash and favors. For a while, Hadrian had noticed that his paycheck was significantly higher than usual but paid no mind to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first out of four in the October B-day series~ I hope none of you are eating anything sweet while you're reading these~
> 
> Hadrian’s issue with sweets: So a while back, athenakitty asked me how Hadrian would be at desserts. This is the result. Expect this recurring gag more frequently from now on. Somehow I really liked the thought of Hadrian, a god in the kitchen, is horrendously terrible at making a single dessert.
> 
> Pasticceria Marchesi: A real-life cake stop located in Milan, Italy. From now on, if there’s a mention of Hadrian bringing out anything dessert-related, 99% of the time, it’s either store-bought or made by someone else. The characters are praying that they don’t happen to fall under the 1%.


	10. Reborn's Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, Reborn~ I hoped the "cake" you asked for was to your liking. Hadrian really put his heart and soul into it... maybe not HIS heart and soul specifically... 彡ﾟ◉ω◉ )つー☆*

Hadrian awkwardly stared down at the diminutive person in front of him as he mentally tried to process his latest food request. “…You want me to what?” He finally asked after a long pause.

Reborn merely smirked in amusement and repeated what he just said. “I want _you_ to bake me a birthday cake tomorrow.”

The teen groaned and facepalmed in exasperation before deadpanning in reply. “Were you blind the day Nana-san dragged me into making ohagi?”

That day was a chaotic disaster that could only be measured on Vongola proportions. Nana had somehow persuaded Hadrian into helping her make the mochi as a treat for her son and his friends. Unfortunately, Hadrian’s “curse” raised its ugly head as all the sweet mochi balls of red bean paste he made came to life and escaped into the streets of Namimori.

Tsuna had no choice but to beg Hibari into having the Disciplinary Committee help out in massacring the little mochi monsters before it could hurt anyone. Unfortunately, they soon learned that trying to smash or tear apart the things only served to help reproduce more of their numbers. Nothing short of Flames could actually kill the sentient sweets.

In the end, it took the Namimori teens three restless days to finally burn the last of Hadrian’s man-eating mochi to ashes. Reborn definitely got a kick out of the chaos those things caused as he playfully dubbed the Cloud’s “Frankenstein Cooking” as a new assassination method not unlike Bianchi’s Poison Cooking, only it has the potential to wipe out an entire population of a town if left unchecked.

“I am fully aware of the consequences. However, this cake isn’t just for me, but rather I am planning on making it a surprise for Tsuna and his Guardians.” The Sun Arcobaleno explained.

“…Oh dear Mother of God…” Hadrian whispered in growing horror as he followed along the diminutive hitman’s thought process. May heaven have mercy on their souls.

Reborn’s evil smirk widened as his dark beady little eyes took on an unholy glint. “Make it a five-tier cake… One of those huge wedding cake ones… Tsuna’s birthday is just after mine so I’d like to start my day with a big bang.”

(The Next Day)

“GWUUUAAARRRRAAAAAHHHH!!!”

“HIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! WHAT IS THAT THING?!??!!”

“Another one? …I’m still going to bite that thing to death.”

“I’m getting EXTREME mochi flashbacks here!”

“Another UMA!!! Juudaime, do you think that Hadrian is an UMA himself?! That might be why he can create these things!!”

“Ahahaha… I don’t think this is the time to fanboy over the supernatural, Gokudera.”

“T-Tsuna-nii, L-Lambo-san doesn’t like c-cake anymore.”

“ _Why_?!! Why would you do this to a perfectly good chocolate cake?! Is nothing _sacred_ anymore?!”

“M-M-Mukuro-sama, a-are you okay?”

“Allow me to explain. This is the birthday cake that Hadrian made specifically to my tastes. Now all of you hurry up and get ready. As an early birthday gift from me to Tsuna, you are to fight this thing as a part of your training. But be careful, it has the tendency to devour Flames.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second in the October B-day series~ Hoped you enjoyed it!
> 
> Frankenstein Cooking: Go on and give athenakitty a shout-out for the name. The process is more or less similar with Bianchi’s Poison Cooking. Much like how anything Bianchi touches can turn into poison, especially her cooking, any kind of sweets Hadrian makes by his own hands ends up coming to life.


	11. Tsuna's Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, you adorable cinnamon roll~ Don't let anyone tell you that your Dame at everything because some people are jealous of your newfound ability~ (੭•̀ω•́)੭̸*✩⁺˚

“SOMEBODY HELP!! I JUST MADE HADRIAN CRY FOR NO REASON!!” Tsuna screamed as he ran out of the kitchen in a panic.

Xanxus instantly zoned in his killing intent on the younger Sky as he aimed a shot in the boy’s general direction, causing him to dodge with a frightened squeak. “Baby trash, what did you do to my chef?” The man growled out threateningly.

“I-I don’t know! I was just helping Hari-san finishing up dinner preparations by making the dessert. After the cake I was baking was done, we had a taste-test, and then there was these cracking sounds coming from him, and then he just… he just started crying.” Tsuna trailed off.

Deciding to see the situation for themselves, the Varia entered the kitchen and took in the sight of Hadrian sobbing on the floor with his face buried in his hands. On the counter was a freshly-baked cake. A partially-eaten piece was already cut out, meaning that the taste of the pastry was most likely the reason why the older teen was in such a state.

Working up their courage, the Officers each took up a fork and took a bite of the seemingly delicious-looking cake, only to be instantly sent to a dreamy sugar-induced state of bliss.

“…Fuck. No wonder the shitty cat’s sobbing his little eyes out.” Squalo breathed as finally got a hold of himself. The cracking sounds Tsuna had heard must’ve been his pride being crushed to smithereens. The silvered-haired swordsman eyed the cake thoughtfully, wondering if it’s okay for him to cut himself a generous slice.

“Um…I-Is my cake really that bad?” The boy asked anxiously, mentally preparing himself for the worst. It was his first time making anything so he fully expected a lot of harsh criticism.

Mammon ‘s head zeroed in on Tsuna, their eyes taking on a greedy glint underneath their hood. “Are you interested in setting up a catering company?” They purred at the thought of how much cash this boy’s _glorious_ baking skills will bring in. All they need is Hadrian to come around then they can conquer the international food markets.

“W-what?!” Tsuna yelped.

Lussuria merely waved off the brunet teen’s concerns as he eagerly swiped what’s left of the slice and took another bite, much to the whines of his fellow Officers. “Pay no attention to them, sweetie. And don’t worry, your cake is absolutely scrumptious. It’s just Hari-chan’s envying Nana-chan for having a baking genius for a son, that’s all~.”

Hmm, the carrot cake is to die for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The October B-day series are 3/4ths done~ I hope all of you have been enjoying this segment thus far~
> 
> Tsuna’s baking skills: I just couldn’t resist the idea of Tsuna being the one who excels where Hadrian fails epicly. Looks like Hadrian has finally found his confectionery counterpart. But should I make Tsuna as bad at cooking as Hadrian is at making sweets?


	12. Byakuran's Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy early birthday, you marshmallow-loving megalomaniac~ I hoped you liked your birthday surprise as much as the readers~  
> ༼つಠ益ಠ༽つ ─=≡ΣO))

_Unspoken Varia Rule #66: Cat Sìth is absolutely forbidden to make anything that is remotely considered a dessert item. Even **chocolate-covered strawberries** aren’t safe to eat._

Rule Amended as of XXX, XX, XXXX: Approach Cat Sìth with caution if he has brownies in his oven. They do say that the best way to the man’s heart is through the stomach. Trust me, you don’t want yours ripped out of you by accidently getting too close to the goods.

(Meanwhile in the Future)

After the Boss of the Millefiore had finally finished the (never-ending) paperwork, he decided to satisfy his craving for sweets by indulging in his one of his favorite snacks, marshmallows. After the popping his fifth marshmallow into his mouth, he was interrupted by a knock on his door.

Giving his permission for the person to enter, his office door opened to reveal one of his lower-leveled subordinates holding a medium-sized white box that was topped an elegant red bow with a red-bordered label attached to one of its sides. “Byakuya-sama, we just received a curious package addressed to you. While it passed all of our bomb inspections, we have no idea what’s inside.”

Cocking his head to the side, he remarked. “Oh, what could it be?” Gesturing his underling to place the box on his desk, he carefully examined the package as he dismissed his minion.

At first glance, the box seemed pretty ordinary, and the label on the side simply has the word, “Enjoy,” written all neat and fancy in black-inked cursive. Curiosity aroused, he took out his favorite letter opener and cut it open.

Opening the top, the white-haired man peered inside and began drooling, “Oooh~ is this a marshmallow cake~? How’d they know that today’s my birthday? Oh, well, itadakima-”

Unfortunately, Byakuran didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence as he was suddenly engulfed by the white sugary perversion of one of his favorite desserts.

(3 Hours Later)

“WHAT THE HELL?! IS THIS A NEW BOX MONSTER FROM THOSE VONGOLA BASTARDS?!”

“NO, IT’S NOT!!! I THINK IT’S SOME KIND OF MIST-CREATED MONSTER OR SOMETHING!!”

“DOES THAT THING LOOK LIKE AN ILLUSION TO YOU!? IT’S _GNAWING_ ON MY _FACE_!!!”

“OH DEAR LORD!! IS IT _SPAWNING?_!! IT IS SPAWNING!!!”

“EVERY MAN FOR THEMSELVES!!”

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!! HOT WOMEN AND ME FIRST!!!

“MY LEG!”

That day was the closest the Vongola had ever been to defeating the Millefiore in one fell swoop. The next day, Byakuran retaliated by destroying Vongola Headquarters with a vengence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadly, all good things must come to an end, for this is the final and fourth part of my October B-day special. But don't worry, there'll be more Frankenstein Cooking in the future. 
> 
> However, I just double checked to see if my birthdays are correct. Is Byakuran’s birthday on October 28th or on March 14th? I don't know so please forgive my ignorance. Despite the conflicting information, I’m making it the 28th of October the DOB for our favorite sweet-toothed troll.
> 
> Thanks for being so patient~ While this might be a bit early, but I hope all of you have an amazing Halloween~


	13. Alternate Scene to Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Nana was a lot more sadistic, this would happen to Iemitsu once she's had enough of her soon-to-be ex-husband's stupidity.... ╭∩╮（︶︿︶）╭∩╮

_Growling at the man, Xanxus' scars appeared as he snarled out, "Sawada, what did you do?!"_

_The CEDEF Boss merely held up his hands in a totally relaxed manner. "What are you talking about? I haven't done anything since I've set foot in the hotel. You and your little entourage, on the other hand, have a lot to explain. The Cloud Guardian Varia used a robot to fight in the Ring Battles. However, the robot ran on Dying Will Flames as its fuel. And when they opened up it up, the Nono came tumbling out. They were using the Nono as their living battery! The Varia is trying to start another coup d'état!" The man accused._

_"Why, you sick son of a bitch! Why?! Tell me right now, you cock-sucking, motherfucking shitass! Before I take your piss-for-brains head and shove it up your loose arsehole." Cat Sìth hollered back angrily as he placed Nono on the ground._

_Iemitsu merely shrugged like the situation he's in was no big deal. "…I just don't want any of you to poison my precious Nana and Tuna-fishy with your influence," he said casually without any remorse._

_Then all hell broke loose._

Until Nana burst into the roof carting around a food trolley that had a covered tray on top. “Anata~!” The woman said to her husband cheerfully. “I heard all the commotion from the penthouse, so I figured you’d like it if I brought you a treat to refresh yourself.”

Iemitsu’s personality did a complete one-eighty as he turned towards his approaching wife with hearts for eyes. “Oh, Nana~! I’m such a lucky man to have a thoughtful and loving woman in my life. So what is it that you made?” He eyed the metal dome as the trolley was wheeled in front of him. Then he reached out to uncover the hidden treat the housewife had in store for him.

Suddenly the housewife’s sweet smile turned ominous as she slowly backed far away from her husband. “Oh, _I_ didn’t make it myself. It’s actually _Hari-kun_ who made your _just desserts_. I hope you like fruit salad.”

Immediately, everyone gave the man a wide berth just as Iemitsu was attacked by an unseen creature in an elegant parfait glass that swallowed up his entire head and refused to let go of him.

“ALL I DID WAS SLICE UP SOME FRUIT!!! HOW THE HELL DOES THAT TURN INTO SOMETHING OUT OF A LAME-ASS HORROR MOVIE?!!” They heard Hadrian loudly complain over the intercom.

As everyone scrambled to get out of the room, they barely caught Tsuna’s mother scolding Iemitsu over his muffled screams for “playing with his food” and how he “shouldn’t give their sons more reasons to hate their father.”

That next day, Nana kidnapped Tsuyoshi from TakeSushi and the two went out on a date to celebrate her new status as a widow.

Tsuna, Basil, and Yamamoto started a betting pool on how long it would be until they all become stepbrothers. Surprisingly, it was Lambo who ended up winning the pool, and he spent all his winnings on grape candy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit goes to rozielrie for the suggestion. I hoped you enjoyed this little tidbit after the Vongola-Style Cooking Competition~ This was a fun omake to write.


	14. The Black Curse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The origins of Hadrian's Frankenstein Cooking....... and to think, it all started with someone stealing a cake from the wrong person. (　〇□〇）

(~20 years ago)

“WWWAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!”

Upon hearing her husband bloodcurdling scream, Lily quickly Apparated into the kitchen with her wand drawn, fully ready to take on any Death Eater who’s invaded their home. However, she found him frantically shooting spells at what looked like a giant blob of sentient slime gumming at his feet. “James, what’s going on?!”

“I WAS TRYING TO MAKE PANCAKES AND THIS HAPPENS!!!” He wailed as the “pancake” began eagerly sucking on his legs like a pacifier.

(Later)

According to Sirius, over two centuries ago, one of his Black ancestors went on a vacation to Italy. He went to a Muggle cake shop to grab a bite to eat. However, he didn’t have any Muggle money with him, but there was a newly engaged Muggle couple who were enjoying a sample of a cake they had picked out for their eventual wedding.

Typical of Pureblood superiority, the Black was confident that he can steal the couple’s cake and then Obliviate them of his theft afterwards. However, the moment he did, the couple was understandably upset by his actions but none more so than the angry Italian bride-to-be who was only known to them as Lady Elena, a daughter of a duke.

“Turns out, she was a Muggleborn witch and one who specializes in curse magic. Seeing that my ancestor loves cake so much, she made it that he can never indulged in his sweet tooth ever again. Needless to say, he lived a miserable life after that.” Sirius explained. “And to make matters worse, her fiancée, Lord Daemon Spade, used his own brand of magic with the help of his lady-love to curse the man’s descendents. From then on, no one of the Black Family has ever succeeded in making a sweet that doesn’t become sentient in one way or another. In fact, Cousin Andy once told me that she used to own a pet that was supposed to be a piece of fudge.”

“But I’m a Potter though,” James pouted, ignoring the drooling sugary monstrosity his beloved wife was coaxing into spitting him out.

“Yes, but your mum was Aunt Dorea. Face it, Prongs. You’re almost as Black as I am,” his best friend retorted. “Let’s hope that the Black Curse skips the future Prongslet.”

No. No, it didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn’t resist a double omake~ Now ya’ll know how Hadrian’s Frankenstein Cooking came to be~ Basically, Elena was a witch who initially cursed the Black ancestor. Then Daemon wanted to take things a step further so he had Elena help him tie his Mist Flames to the man’s family line, thus causing the birth of the Black Family’s Frankenstein Cooking. （￣ｗ￣）Ψ

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading~! Sorry if the set-up here was confusing last time. 米＾∇＾米


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